I love meeting and reading about people who have ‘got it’. Awakening, enlightenment, inner peace, truth, self-realization, call it what you will. And the understanding that ‘getting it’ is tantamount to ‘losing it.’ That the self doesn’t get anything as in understanding or accumulation, but loses the identification with it’s stories. Ok got it. Umm.. not got it? So I decided I will write about not getting it and what that is like. Cause of course, not getting it is it as everything is it, right? Super frustrated yet? ‘I’ am lol.
What’s it like not getting it? First of all you believe very deeply there is something to get. To describe the feeling state of this belief I will use the image of chakras or energy in the body. Belief is not something that is just an idea in your head, that, when seen by awareness is instantly freed in your consciousness. Or maybe that’s how it is for some. Not here. (Believing in) belief for me is felt in the body and psyche as a discomfort. It might be the inner cringing of insecurity, it might feel like the burning in the face of anger or shame, it might feel like gut wrenching sorrow. Nothing wrong with emotions or the emotional body. But when emotions are fueled by belief, there is a distinct feeling of ‘me-ness’ to them. That those emotional chakra feelings belong to ‘me;’ as if they are owned by someone. As if I own my body. This is a belief that is so ingrained that I don’t think any amount of yoga or meditation is sufficient to unlatch it in the psyche (but I might be wrong as I don’t get it..). But what I do get is the suffering part, the discomfort part, the inner or outer conflict part which is the byproduct of this belief in a ‘me’ who owns emotions and thoughts.
So naturally the me looks for help. And there is a lot of help out there. I looked to nature/contemplation first of all and then yoga and meditation and then spiritual inquiry. All the while understanding that firstly, the looking to escape suffering is ‘it’ as well, and that the seeking, which is natural, one can’t help it, is itself the confirmation of the belief in a separate ‘me’ that is the cause of suffering. Frustrating? What to do? When you don’t get it, the energy to keep on trying feels like the energy of a spinning top. I’m guessing it might slow down from entropy, where the mind of cause and effect, control and time comes unraveled and gives up.
But, one deeply lodged belief that has lost it’s spin for me is unworthiness. So I’m super grateful for all those teachers and teachings that helped ‘me’ (see how fun it is to not be able to point to oneself without quotes) see how deeply that ‘I’m not enough’ belief was lodged in the chakras. That was a huge relief and that entropy is ongoing I guess. The signs that that belief was falling away: not taking things like criticism as personally (some of it totally impersonally) as before, the need to defend lost it’s urgency, the ability to say ‘no’ very easy now, the ability to say ‘I love you’ to myself (and others) easier. Those are a few signs. ‘I’m not enough’ is the same as belief in separate me. If you are an isolated, independent entity, well of course you are not enough. Religion told me from a young age that not only was I not enough, but I was born a complete disaster.. a sinner! (or being female, a double sinner!) So of course chakras were full up of that crap.
Belief in beliefs is mostly unconscious. So contemplation, therapy and all the other healing modalities can be really useful for bringing them to the surface where sometimes entropy takes over and belief energy putters out. Beliefs that previously felt like solid bars of a cage can be seen and felt as holograms or transparent, and mind just goes right through them and out of that cage (that never was real to begin with).